ubuysa
The BSOD Doctor
No, that's racist. 😛
One-liners
- Thread starter AgentCooper
- Start date
Salmon Fisher
Enthusiast
Just been outside helping a guy wearing a hooded robe and carrying a scythe clear the front of his car.
I was de-icing with Death.
I was de-icing with Death.
HomerJ
Prolific Poster
HomerJ
Prolific Poster
Three friends are throwing darts for high scores at the pub...
The first dude hits the 20 three times and calls: "SIXTY!"
The second one hits two darts in the 20 and one in the triple 20, and shouts:
"ONE HUNDRED!"
When the third guy takes his turn, after throwing a 20, and a triple 20 the third dart deflects off the board, and hits a nun sitting at the table next to it right and sticks right in her temple.
The woman immediately drops off her chair and the player goes:
"ONE NUN DEAD AND EIGHTY
The first dude hits the 20 three times and calls: "SIXTY!"
The second one hits two darts in the 20 and one in the triple 20, and shouts:
"ONE HUNDRED!"
When the third guy takes his turn, after throwing a 20, and a triple 20 the third dart deflects off the board, and hits a nun sitting at the table next to it right and sticks right in her temple.
The woman immediately drops off her chair and the player goes:
"ONE NUN DEAD AND EIGHTY
ubuysa
The BSOD Doctor
A footballer turns up at the training ground one day with a Thermos flask.
One of his team-mates, who has never seen one before, asks what it is.
"Oh, it's great" says the footballer.
"You put something hot in it, and it keep it hot".
"You put something cold in it, and it keeps it cold"
His team mate is flabbergasted. He's never heard of anything so clever.
"What have you go in there?" he asks?
Wait for it.....
"Two cups of coffee and a choc-ice"!
One of his team-mates, who has never seen one before, asks what it is.
"Oh, it's great" says the footballer.
"You put something hot in it, and it keep it hot".
"You put something cold in it, and it keeps it cold"
His team mate is flabbergasted. He's never heard of anything so clever.
"What have you go in there?" he asks?
Wait for it.....
"Two cups of coffee and a choc-ice"!
That is a clever way of getting 2 coffee flavoured ice lollies and a cup of drinking chocolate, I shall have to remember that.
HomerJ
Prolific Poster
We have a new landlord at my local pub so I went last night to check him out.
I ordered a pint and as the new landlord put my drink down, I asked him for the wifi code because I needed to check a message.
"Oh no" he said, No wifi in here, people used to sit talking in pubs, about their day, their families, work, politics, music, the lot. Now people just stare at their phones and it breaks my heart to see so no more wifi in this pub."
"You know what?" I replied, "You're right" and I put my phone away.
"Thank you", the landlord said "In this pub I want you to act as you would twenty years ago".
So I lit a cigarette, gave him 50p for the pint and said "Two can play at that game mate."
I ordered a pint and as the new landlord put my drink down, I asked him for the wifi code because I needed to check a message.
"Oh no" he said, No wifi in here, people used to sit talking in pubs, about their day, their families, work, politics, music, the lot. Now people just stare at their phones and it breaks my heart to see so no more wifi in this pub."
"You know what?" I replied, "You're right" and I put my phone away.
"Thank you", the landlord said "In this pub I want you to act as you would twenty years ago".
So I lit a cigarette, gave him 50p for the pint and said "Two can play at that game mate."
HomerJ
Prolific Poster
Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair after arriving in a hotel in Manchester went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.
The barman said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."
Taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"We do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "We have the cheapest beer in England".
"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.
"I see you don't have a glass, you'll need one of ours. That will be £3 please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. If you'd pre-booked it would have cost £1."
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up.
"I see you've brought your laptop" added the barman. "That wasn't pre-booked either, that's another £3."
O'Leary was so incensed and his face was red with rage.
"I've had enough! I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday. Calls are free, unless answered, then there is a charge of only £1 per second".
"I will never use this bar again" said O'Leary
"OK but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1.
The barman said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."
Taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"We do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "We have the cheapest beer in England".
"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.
"I see you don't have a glass, you'll need one of ours. That will be £3 please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. If you'd pre-booked it would have cost £1."
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up.
"I see you've brought your laptop" added the barman. "That wasn't pre-booked either, that's another £3."
O'Leary was so incensed and his face was red with rage.
"I've had enough! I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday. Calls are free, unless answered, then there is a charge of only £1 per second".
"I will never use this bar again" said O'Leary
"OK but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1.