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One-liners
- Thread starter AgentCooper
- Start date
Insane.Pringle
Enthusiast
My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the ceiling!
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The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing someone’s cast.
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Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
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‘Doctor, there’s a patient on line one that says he’s invisible.’
‘Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.’
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A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
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Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
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I was riding a donkey the other day when someone threw a rock at me and I fell off. I guess I was stoned off my ass.
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The world champion tongue twister got arrested. I hear they’re going to give him a tough sentence.
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When the cannibal showed up late to the buffet, they gave him the cold shoulder.
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A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, ‘Uno, dos…” and poof! He disappeared without a tres.
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I threw a boomerang a couple years ago; I know live in constant fear.
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‘I have a split personality,’ said Tom, being Frank.
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The man who survived both mustard gas and pepper spray is a seasoned veteran now.
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Have you heard about the new restaurant called ‘Karma?’ There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.
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The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing someone’s cast.
------
Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
------
‘Doctor, there’s a patient on line one that says he’s invisible.’
‘Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.’
------
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
------
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
------
I was riding a donkey the other day when someone threw a rock at me and I fell off. I guess I was stoned off my ass.
------
The world champion tongue twister got arrested. I hear they’re going to give him a tough sentence.
------
When the cannibal showed up late to the buffet, they gave him the cold shoulder.
------
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, ‘Uno, dos…” and poof! He disappeared without a tres.
------
I threw a boomerang a couple years ago; I know live in constant fear.
------
‘I have a split personality,’ said Tom, being Frank.
------
The man who survived both mustard gas and pepper spray is a seasoned veteran now.
------
Have you heard about the new restaurant called ‘Karma?’ There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.
Last edited:
SpyderTracks
We love you Ukraine
Insane.Pringle
Enthusiast
I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?”, He said: “How flexible are you?”, I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
It’s hard, being a cop in Alaska. You have to ask things like “What were you doing on the night from 15th December till 15th January?”
It’s hard, being a cop in Alaska. You have to ask things like “What were you doing on the night from 15th December till 15th January?”
Martinr36
MOST VALUED CONTRIBUTOR
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Deleted member 41971
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AccidentalDenz
Lord of Steam
JediMonsoon
Gold Level Poster
it’s surprised me more that the photo was taken near where i live. Small world.
Martinr36
MOST VALUED CONTRIBUTOR
Not a one longer but hilarious, sounds like the type of thing you'd see on you've been framed, did from Facebook
THIS ITS NOT MY STORY BUT ITS SO FUNNY I HOPE IT GIVES YOU A LAUGH xxx
The neighbors had been complaining that my dog had been barking non-stop. I hate the electric zapping bark collars so I purchased a humane citronella collar. When a dog barks, it shoots a blast of citronella under their nose and apparently they don't like it.
This evening I was getting the collar ready and filled it with the citronella liquid. And that's where my evening should have ended. But no, it's me, and I begin to become curious as to “how” the collars actually work.
So I'm standing by my back door "barking" at my dog's collar. Nothing happens. I make sure it's turned on, check the fill level, and go through the "getting started" check list one more time. Again, I bark. Nothing happens. Now I'm not quite sure, why I had this next thought, but I did...I put the collar on. I seriously extended the band and fit the growl box against my throat and barked. Apparently, the collar only works if it feels vibrations, because I immediately received a blast of citronella to the face.
I began coughing, which only caused the fucking collar to continue squirting bug spray over and over into my nasal cavity. I'm now on my hands and knees in my back yard, trying to breathe, and to make matters worse, the dog is barking. So between coughing and yelling at him to shut up, I've emptied over a dozen blasts of citronella to my face. During all of this ruckus, I'm trying to undo the clasp of the collar, which has somehow managed to weld shut during this whole fiasco.
I finally get the collar off and threw, yes I threw that inhumane fucker across the yard, and lay in the grass sucking in the humid evening air. In the middle of thinking this is probably the dumbest thing I've done in a while, I hear laughter. MY NEIGHBOR SAW THE WHOLE THING! He was laughing so damn hard he couldn't breathe. Between gasps, he tells me, "I was gonna come help, but every time I started to climb over the fence, you'd set it off again and then I would started laughing and couldn't make it." So now, not only are my eyes red, but my face and ears are too. After checking to make sure I was ok, we parted ways and I went in to shower so I wouldn't smell like ode de' Tiki Torch.
Lesson learned: next time (yes, there will always be a next time with me) make sure that:
1. Don't fill the collar before trying to set it off.
2. Remember your neighbor is not a good source of help in a comedy crisis situation.
On the plus side, I won't have a mosquito problem for a few days!
THIS ITS NOT MY STORY BUT ITS SO FUNNY I HOPE IT GIVES YOU A LAUGH xxx
The neighbors had been complaining that my dog had been barking non-stop. I hate the electric zapping bark collars so I purchased a humane citronella collar. When a dog barks, it shoots a blast of citronella under their nose and apparently they don't like it.
This evening I was getting the collar ready and filled it with the citronella liquid. And that's where my evening should have ended. But no, it's me, and I begin to become curious as to “how” the collars actually work.
So I'm standing by my back door "barking" at my dog's collar. Nothing happens. I make sure it's turned on, check the fill level, and go through the "getting started" check list one more time. Again, I bark. Nothing happens. Now I'm not quite sure, why I had this next thought, but I did...I put the collar on. I seriously extended the band and fit the growl box against my throat and barked. Apparently, the collar only works if it feels vibrations, because I immediately received a blast of citronella to the face.
I began coughing, which only caused the fucking collar to continue squirting bug spray over and over into my nasal cavity. I'm now on my hands and knees in my back yard, trying to breathe, and to make matters worse, the dog is barking. So between coughing and yelling at him to shut up, I've emptied over a dozen blasts of citronella to my face. During all of this ruckus, I'm trying to undo the clasp of the collar, which has somehow managed to weld shut during this whole fiasco.
I finally get the collar off and threw, yes I threw that inhumane fucker across the yard, and lay in the grass sucking in the humid evening air. In the middle of thinking this is probably the dumbest thing I've done in a while, I hear laughter. MY NEIGHBOR SAW THE WHOLE THING! He was laughing so damn hard he couldn't breathe. Between gasps, he tells me, "I was gonna come help, but every time I started to climb over the fence, you'd set it off again and then I would started laughing and couldn't make it." So now, not only are my eyes red, but my face and ears are too. After checking to make sure I was ok, we parted ways and I went in to shower so I wouldn't smell like ode de' Tiki Torch.
Lesson learned: next time (yes, there will always be a next time with me) make sure that:
1. Don't fill the collar before trying to set it off.
2. Remember your neighbor is not a good source of help in a comedy crisis situation.
On the plus side, I won't have a mosquito problem for a few days!
D
Deleted member 41971
Guest
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Deleted member 41971
Guest
"i tried to catch fog yesterday"
Mist
Mist
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Deleted member 41971
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